I hate it when people judge other people, when people make assumptions. I hate it when people assume they know you, when they couldn’t be farther from the truth. I hate it when people don’t about other people, and what they think, even if it’s that other person’s life, not theirs. I hate it when people feel entitled to your time and energy, when people think they own you or your actions. And I especially hate it when you have nothing to do about it.
Or do you?
I am sad. Very sad. I try avoiding being sad as much as possible, just so I won’t get back into the endless pit of darkness that is depression. But now, because I just ignore things that bother me and don’t let myself cry over them, but neither do I get over them, whenever I start breaking down, even just a bit, I shatter. I turn to dust in the wind’s way, powerless and sad. Because I bottle things up, whenever I can’t take it, I immediately want to self harm myself, or maybe even end the pain all together and kill myself.
But I don’t because I manage to calm myself down.
But it sucks either way.
It sucks to feel empty and lonely, abandoned and powerless. It sucks to think that you only have one good friend in real life, and the others are online, probably rolling their eyes when you text them. It sucks to think that the people you love most, the ones that tell you how beautiful and important you are- those people are the ones that bring you down the hardest. Why? Maybe because you let them. Maybe because you loved them and thought they would never hurt you. Maybe because you didn’t know any better.
And maybe, if you wouldn’t have let them see your weaknesses, if you wouldn’t have let them get close just to stab you in the back, maybe then you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Maybe if you build your walls up, guard yourself at all times, maybe if you wouldn’t let anyone get close- maybe then you wouldn’t get hurt again.
Maybe you should just shut them out.
How do you shut someone out when you want to give them a second chance? How do you shut someone out after they wasted their thousand second chance? Do you just say goodbye? But how can you do that when you can’t? How do you say goodbye when you don’t want to? When you still love the ones who hurt you, even though you know you shouldn’t? How do you do that?
Maybe you don’t.
Maybe you don’t have the power to do that.
Maybe you’re weak and powerless. Maybe you can’t do anything right, maybe you don’t deserve to be happy in the first place. Maybe you deserve the pain, and maybe you should get more of it. Maybe it wasn’t intentional. Maybe it wasn’t their fault, it was yours. Maybe you don’t have a choice.
Maybe you have nothing to do about it.
Except you do.
Because it’s your life, and you always have a choice. You’re always in charge of your own life, always the able to take the wheel and drive in their own path. No matter what, you can change it. Even if it’s your parents that hurt you, in ways they shouldn’t. Then maybe you should talk to them. If they won’t listen, take matters into your hands, and make small changes o improve your life. To make yourself happier. Because that is the most important thing ever. Don’t ever forget about it.
You have a choice. So will you pick happiness?