I fail at being positive

So, my last few post haven’t been too happy. That’s because I am not in the best place right now, and I’m feeling depressed. I’ve seriously thought about commiting suicide. So, yeah, things haven’t been that pink.

But I wanna change that. I see so much wrong in my life alone, not even including what I see happening outside of me, in other countries, to other people, that I can’t bear it. I know the next three days will not be any better for me eighter, I will be with my parents 24/7, and that’s horrifying for me. It’s my house, I’ve got nowhere else to go.

So here is something I would want my parents to understand (one thing out of the many), something that brings me joy, one of the few things thatbkeep me going.

The internet.

Just like this place, where I rant to strangers, I go on tumblr and Amino (it’s an app pls check it out) and talk to other stranger and, strange as it sounds, they get me. They might know me, but they get me. Having the power to vent, to write down my feelings, to share them with people and those people to respond, to try and help me, resonate with me- that is truly wonderful. There are many reasons why I would kill myself, but these people keep me going. Writing all of my thoughts and feelings down- that’s how I get it out of my system.

The fact that my parents want to take this away from me, one of the last few thing I have and truly love, that… that scares me.

I can meet people who say nice things to me, even if they don’t directly know me, they still compliment me, they still say they like the paragraph of my novel I just gave them, they tell me to keep going, they tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t think they know how much it helps me. Just a simple compliment can make the difference between someone killing itself or living. And I come to social media everytime I want to, it’s here, it’s stable, why would I give it up?

Even if everything they say ars lies, I don’t care. It makes the worl of a difference to me, this tiny piece of sunshine in my dark world.

And my parents tell me  lots of things. One of them is that I stay too much on my computer, laptop and tablet. That’s wrong in so many ways. First of all, I haven’t even touched the tablet in forever. Second of all, why is that a bad thing? I know what my parents want me to do all day- work. Do homework, then work around the house. Nothing else. Also eat and study some more and any other thing they want me to do. But I have a life outside of my routine, outside of them, outside of my country even. And that life is what I want to do and live. If I didn’t have that, I wouldn’t want this life eighter. I wouldn’t see the point.

Sorry for all the negativity. I promise my next post will be more cheerful!

Bye everyone, have an awesome day!


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