I think I`m crazy

Hi everyone! Today was a weird day. And that will be shown in this article, which is basically the polar opposite of yesterday`s. That one was about being mad and hating yourself, your life and others. But, if I were honest, they do have one similarity- frustration. Today I`m gonna talk about one of the most frustrating things in life- love.

Romantic love, to be exact. And the frustrating act of having a crush, and having your heart beat faster every time you think about them. And, before I get to what happened today, let me give you some info. I have a girl in my class that could teach French kissing since she was freaking 10 years old. But screw her, I`m not like that. I`m the kind of person who always rolls her eyes when other girls talk about their crush like they`re the love of their life, you know what I mean, when their crush talks to them they act like the heavens lined just for them, and everyone was shocked by the incredibly magical chemistry between them. I think that`s bullshit. I think that the world doesn`t revolve around you and you`re not the only one with problems. You can complain, don`t worry, but don`t act like no one on this planet can ever understand the pain and suffering of your soul. Cry, throw a tantrum, giggle, talk for hours on end, but please remember that if one person doesn`t get you, that doesn`t mean others won`t.

By the way, I`m a straight girl, so I`m attracted to boys, if you were wondering. But yeah, the next thing I wanted to say was about how I am on the opposite ends of the spectrum of…guessing. Sometimes I`m super oblivious and can`t tell the obvious signs that my crush likes me, sometimes I refuse to interpret that, in fear of being mislead, and sometimes I`m super vigilant and I find that everything they do is related to them liking me. You should keep that in mind while reading on, because you`ll see what I mean.

So today was supposed to be a quiet, calm day, for me to try to please my parents and figure out how to get over yesterday. I did some math practice, filmed a video for my youtube channel and had lunch. Then my parents get super nervous- a bunch of people from they`re squad (I can`t think of a proper term, so we`re gonna roll with it. They`re like a specific group of friends, if that makes any sense) are gonna come over to our house because this guy (we`ll call him England Guy), his wife (we`ll call her England Chick) and they`re son (we`ll call him Cute Boy ;), cause duh) will come in the country. They moved in England a few years ago and they`ve never seen our house (we moved here in the summer of 2015 and now it`s spring 2017) and we`re the only ones with an actual house, not an apartment so they asked if they can come over for a little party (which is just them talking, basically) and my parents said yes. My aunt Di and my uncle Go (just random names I figured I could use) and my younger cousin Flower plus England Guy, England Chick and Cute Boy, plus nine other people, including a girl that`s my cousin`s age named Tantrum.

Here`s the catch- Cute Boy is a year younger than me, but he lives in England so we`re in the same grade, and he`s two years older than Flower and Tantrum. When they were younger Tantrum and Flower were obsessed with Cute Boy (my cousin was just more moderate). Like, Tantrum used to talk about marrying him when she was five. Now, fast forward to present day, Flower`s gotten over him. We haven`t seen him as much (I didn`t even use to see him often before) now that he moved in England, but I was never interested in this guy in the past.

So yeah, today they all came over and I was the oldest between them. I quickly noticed that they weren`t gonna do a pretend wedding, so I calmed down, but it was obvious that Tantrum was still head over heels for Cute Boy. Tantrum, as I named her, is an annoying, winy, spoiled brat that`s so self centered and stupid it actually hurts. But yeah, I didn`t really remember Cute Boy, I thought he was younger and dumber. But, oh boy, I was wrong. First of all, he looks pretty cute. Second of all, he`s funny. He played a lot with the other girls, and that was nice. At the party there was even a six year old, so we did something to include him. They decided to just put on music and dance, jumping around my room like drunk hippies, yelling the lyrics of Highway to Hell. It`s worth noting that I was just of on the side, making sassy or sarcastic remarks about them, while texting. He was funny, we joked around, then the adults gave us some hulla hoops, and we played with those. We did some other stuff, but it`s not worth mentioning, since what we did later on, when they calmed down a notch, was watch Anaconda. Yeah, I was testing how dirty his mind is, since mine`s unwashable, and I joked and asked if he ever saw Anaconda by Nicky Minaj. The next thing I knew was Cute Boy, Flower and Tantrum were watching the music video in horror. He said that was traumatizing, which I considered nice, instead of saying some duchey remark like- OMG, those asses were finnne. Dude, I gotta watch this again! I tested his mind a few more times with the porn-popcorn riddle and a dirty joke from a book (It`s my motto. Nothing under 17 centimeters- she was talking about her high heels, you little pervert! What were you thinking?) but he didn`t get them.

Now, he was just kind, cute and funny and nice, and I started thinking- maybe… And my heart went- sure, he`s perfect! At the beginning of this article I said that this post and yesterday`s have in common frustration. It`s the frustration of having that void in your stomach, that fast pound in your chest, every time you see them, look at them or say their name. And I got a lot of that today. I got a lot of my heart dancing and jumping, and the void in my stomach moving and twirling and consuming me.

So, that was my case of- Why I like him. Now let me tell you why I think he just might like me. If you think I`m a stupid girl, tell me, please. But now, let me make my case of- Why he might like me:

  1. At some point, we decided to put on some less intense music so my ears won`t start bleeding. I joked and said to put on some tango and waltz and we did. So, Flower grabbed Tantrum and started dancing across the room, and Cute Boy, who takes dancing lessons, started correcting them. All of this was happening in my room, so I didn`t have a problem with dancing alone a weird version of waltz. Cute Boy was telling the girls how it`s actually done, and the Tantrum said- Stop telling us this stuff, just show it. Dance with Words– that`s me- and we`ll follow along. I repressed a smile and thought- she doesn`t know half of it- and that those were the only smart word her mouth ever gave birth to. So the I look at Cute Boy with an eyebrow raised and he has that look, that shocked-and-bushing expression, like , you know, guys who like girls but are too shy or too smart to admit it (we`ve forgotten about the existence of each other for a while, and we`ve kind of just re- met today, so I didn`t expect to have some sort of flowers or serenade). You know, what expression I`m talking about, the blushing-wide-eyes-gulping-OMG-what-do-I-do-this-is-unconftorbale face. Then he just stopped and went- You know what? I`m tired, I think I`m gonna take a break. Yeah, a few moments later I realized that I could of just said a joke like- You know, I don`t bite, or something similar, but it was too late for it.
  2. Now, after the waltz, the tango came rolling in, and the girls kept dancing, and he just went stiff and walked to the bathroom and only came back when the song was finished.
  3. This third thing is weird because, well, I might just be exaggerating. I`m usually the kind of person who notices weird details, like who a specific person mostly looks at, a random urge they have, like twirling their hair. So now that I was getting interested, I started to notice who he looked at the most. It would have been normal to just look after Tantrum who was the most familiar out of everyone, even Flower was a better candidate, but he looked at me 95% of the time. And I`m not kidding. Every time I looked, which was a lot, since I made myself pay attention to it, I noticed him looking at me. And he did this weird thing, that I find so cute, even hot, and he looked into my eyes. You might be rolling your eyes now, but I haven`t met a single person who looks into my eyes all the time. Some people look me in the eye when they`re mad, or they`re telling me a secret. But he was just making eye contact all the time, and it wasn`t a stare or anything, like in Twilight where Edward and Bella just gaze at each other the whole movie, it was just casually meeting my eyes with his brown ones.
  4. This relates to the past things I mentioned. It was 23:15 (these kids stayed at my house until past midnight) and I was on my phone, the girls were resting on the bed and Cute Guy just started doing some weird moves that he claimed were his dance routine that he had to do every day. They probably were, I`m not saying he was lying. But yeah, he just said to all of use- Don`t look at me, it`s making me nervous and he carried on. After a minute, he stopped and said- Dammit! I forgot a part of the routine! Oh, well. And then I asked him what he`d missed and he said, looking straight at me, even if the girls were supposed to be part of the conversation- The duet part. He blushed a little and turned his head to drink some water. I stopped myself from turning red, but I was like- Am I imagining this, or what? Then Tantrum did the smart thing any girl flirting would do in that situation- she asked if she could dance with him. He waved her off, saying he`s tired from running around, and we continued our lives.
  5. And also, he started joking around, singing lyrics from Anaconda until I started beating him with a pillow. And he didn`t really complain. I just him with the pillow, pretty hard, and he didn`t say anything. That`s a sign of something, I hope.

Now, some other kid wanted us to play something as he watched, so we decided to do a small treasure hunt. We would be given a phone and we had to put clues on sticky notes to lead to it, and we decided to do teams. The game wasn`t the most mature, but fuck that, I wanted to be in the team Cute Guy was in. We went online to find a random generator and we typed up our names and the first two chosen would be different teams and the rest would go to them. The first name was mine, and the second was Cute Guy`s. When he saw his name, he just raised his arms, closed his eyes and went- Yes! I`m not on the same team with you! YES! Now, I did tease him quite a lot, that`s kind of my way of flirting, that and being sarcastic (I`m usually like that, but in some moments I go full on regarding those things) but really? Did I really go so far? Maybe he was just trying to balance himself out, to not look… Like he was trying? Like he had a liking of any sort, even platonic, for me?

I don`t know, I`m just a frustrated teenage girl with big delusions in her head. If you have any tips for me, please share them in the comments and also, if you have your own problems, come rant, I`ll be happy to listen to you.


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